funny sayings

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you.”

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Employees are like mules. Some you stand in front of and coax them along with a carrot. Some you stand behind and kick them in the ass. The key to management is knowing which mules are which

“Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.”

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.

Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

“Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.”

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. Mark Twain

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car